This Novel Life

"Live the life you dream." -Henry David Thoreau

Month: March, 2012

13. It’s A Good Night For A Meltdown

My life is great, honestly. I have a wonderful husband, smart daughter, beautiful home, pets that I love and I really have nothing to complain about. I get homesick for Maine and I can book a flight back for the weekend. I don’t worry about my car breaking down or the bills not getting paid. I don’t have a job I hate or a big deep seeded secret eating me alive. 

But I am constantly bringing myself down and pushing myself towards toil. I try very hard to be as close to perfect as possible, with a few exceptions. The worst thing I can imagine is that someone would see some ridiculous flaw and label me a huge mistake as a wife or parent. Mostly as a parent, if I’m going to be honest here. I can’t be that person that got pregnant young, can’t handle anything and has made a total mess of her life.

It’s probably because my mother was such a train wreck. She had no moral compass and was drunk or high at almost every school event I had. She cried in front of my friend’s parents. She dressed awful and her hair was always more orange than blonde. She looked like she crawled out of a trailer park sewage drain. So I spent almost all of my childhood covering for her and having to be ten times more presentable just to offset how bad she behaved and looked. We don’t speak now, we hardly spoke then, we just fought. My daughter will never know her.

So here I am, trying so hard to be my best and dealing with personal issues that make me want to push my life into disaster just because I don’t think I deserve it enough. I do, I know that, but try to tell me that tomorrow and I bet I will tell you that you’re crazy.

I don’t even know why I’m talking about this. To get it off my chest? I wish I could see all the rewards I have in my life for trying so hard to be a good mom and a good wife. Instead I just see everything else. Everything I haven’t achieved and all the mistakes I have made. One day, maybe, I’ll outgrow it. Maybe I’ll wake up tomorrow and appreciate myself better. Maybe I’m just having a hard time accepting the fact that Monday I’ll be 23. Maybe not.

Advertisements

12. Maine, Maine, Maine.

First of all, sorry for the slight hiatus! I spent some time in Maine last week visiting friends and family, and of course, I spent a few moments at the beach with my camera. I would’ve liked to have more time, but I had a jam packed schedule. Maine, now, is a weird place for me. It was home for my entire life, but since our “home” moved to Florida, going back gives me an eerie emptiness that I can’t explain. Aside from friends and family, Maine just seems like a closed chapter in my life and going back is like reading back a chapter, there’s nothing new there for me. I’m sure, because our plan is to go back to New England, that sometime in the future it will hold new stories for me, but I can’t see that from where I am now.

Excuse the bad logo, I’m still trying to figure out Lightroom! I took all these photos on Scarborough Beach in Scarborough, Maine, and if you’re curious to learn more about the beach you can find some information here

11. Cassen Park & Bailey Riverbridge Garens, My New Oasis

When I lived in Maine I spent countless hours on the beach at my grandparent’s house. It was and still is my favorite place in the world, and when everything got too stressful or too emotional I could sit on the beach and everything would melt away. But now I live in Florida and I can’t exactly go to Maine every evening to unwind. So I have been desperately trying to find my own little spot since we moved, and I think I have finally found it in Cassen Park & Bailey Riverbridge Gardens.
The two parks, which in my opinion should just be one big park, are tucked away on either side of the Granada Bridge on North and South Beach Street. They are both tiny, Bailey Riverbridge covers only 2.6 acres and Cassen is 3.6 acres. So what’s so great about these little parks? To me it’s simple, the pier that loops under the bridge, and connects the two. What a great little spot! When I took the dog for a walk there yesterday, we even spotted some dolphins. I could easily spend a few hours getting lost in the view here.

Cressen Park, at the corner of Granada Boulevard & South Beach Street, Ormond Beach, Florida. It also has a little bait shop, which I think is easily the cutest thing ever. Plus they have ice cream sandwiches.

View from the pier, Daytona in the distance & a lone dolphin.

Looking on to the pier from the Bailey Riverbridge Gardens side.

The Bailey Riverbridge Gardens. A plaque outside the historic Pilgrim’s Rest Primitive Baptist Church located here says it is the site of the first North American Christian wedding.

10. Sunset on the Indian River Lagoon

Friday and Saturday nights in New Smyrna Beach, Florida, the Marine Discovery Center (not to be confused with the Marine Science Center in Ponce Inlet, FL) delivers an amazingly beautiful sunset tour on the Indian River Lagoon. I found out about this on Friday morning, and at 4:15 that afternoon we were aboard their Discovery pontoon boat, where our extremely knowledgeable narrator Mark informed Maddy that she would, in fact, get to see her favorite thing (this week), dolphins.

The dolphins in the Indian River Lagoon are Atlantic Bottlenose Dolphins.

We passed the dog friendly Smyrna Dunes Park, which I later discovered is a great place to spend a morning with the puppy.

The Ponce de Leon Inlet Lighthouse, right before the sun started to go down.

Coast Guard ships.

On our way back to the dock.

Sunset on the Indian River Lagoon.

The two hour tour was an amazing way to spend a sunset. For more information about the Marine Discovery Center ecotours, please click here.

9. The World Through Her Eyes II

I got a lot of great feedback for my interview of my five year old, Madison, so I decided to do it again. I got some great ideas for questions from readers along with some questions I already had in my head. Today we sat down (in the tent in her room) and this is what we talked about.

Are you ready for your second interview? Yes.

Lets talk about animals. If you could be any animal, what would you be? A tiger. Wait, a leopard. I love leopards.

What is your favorite animal sound? Meowww.

If animals could talk, what would they say? Bow wow, la la la.

Okay. What is happiness? When you’re happy.

What do you do when you’re happy? Hug my cat and play with my dog.

What is love? When you love someone, like I love my Grammy.

How do you know you love Grammy? Because I really miss her.

Where are Max and Ruby’s parents? They moved. Max and Ruby is a cartoon where the parents are never shown.

Why didn’t they take Max and Ruby? They forgot them.

Who is your favorite princess, and why? Cinderella, because she has beautiful hair and a blue dress.

Do you remember any of your dreams? Well, one. It was interesting and so scary. It was about monsters taking my Daddy.

Did you get him back? Nope.

How old are you when you’re a grown up? Umm, 55.

Why? That’s what the legend says.

What legend? You know, the legend.

Oh right, that one. So when you’re a grown up, and famous, what will you be famous for? For being a fashion designer.

What’s your favorite song to dance to? Dancing with the Stars.

But what song? Jingle Bells. We have a radio in my class.

What’s your favorite thing to do outside in the summer and winter? Ride my scooter and make snowmen.

What’s the hardest part about being a kid? Learning how to ride my scooter.

If you could give every kid in the world one gift, what would it be? They would get to play all the time.

Thank you for reading! And please comment with any questions you would like me to ask her in the future, I’m having a lot of fun with this and she loves her little interviews.